Tuesday, 12 February 2013

3 Real Weapons we need in Videogames

I'm a big advocate of Videogames in many respects, and one of my favourites is promoting games as stress relief. It may sound odd but there really isn't anything that calms me down as much as sitting down, zoning out and blasting pixelated enemies into gory oblivion.

But I'm not crazy! Right Guys?...Guys?Source

I've spoken before about how the best tools for these cathartic rampages are those with soul and substance...but since we're obviously gonna continue down the Borderlands/Jak and Daxter route of craziness for the sake of craziness I have a few real-world weapons that would make even the Gunzerker blush.

These are the weapons too crazy for games, not quite crazy enough to not exist.

3) Weaponized Dolphins

Imagine you're playing a game that allready has some pretty crazy weaponry, let's say Dishonored. Now, on this particular play-through you've fallen into the water to escape a strider but what's this? Your health is dropping! A damn hagfish is attacking! Except of course, because this is a game, you can't hit them back because water is to videogame protagonists what carbonite is to Han Solo.

At this point you can either suck it up and take the damage, jump out of the water and shoot at it like Cnut on a really bad day at the beach or reload and try not to get spotted in the first place.

Now imagine if you could throw a dolphin at it. A highly trained, Liam Neeson of a Dolphin.

Know this, I have a very particular set of skills that make me a nightmare
for tuna like you...

This was basically what the US Navy was thinking when they commissioned the 'Marine Mammal Programme' and started training Dolphins and Sea Lions for a variety of naval warfare missions. Now apparently none of these involved blowing themselves up like adorable underwater terrorists but that doesn't make them pretty intense like this quote from that wikipedia (pinch of salt warning) article:

"When an enemy diver is detected by a dolphin, the dolphin approaches from behind and bumps a device into the back of the enemy's air tank. This device is attached to a buoy which then floats to the surface, alerting the Navy personnel of the intruder. Sea lions carry a similar device in their mouth, but instead attach it by hand-cuffing one of the enemy's limbs"

Holy crap! As somone who used to dive pretty frequently let me just say this: If you're getting body-slammed by a dolphin or handcuffed by a sea-lion then that is one seriously bad day.
2) The Speech-Suppression Gun

Now, let's say you've been on a serious gaming binge. You've played for six hours straight and are nearing the end. Finally you kick in the final level door and are greeted by 300 goons, all shouting their single line of recorded dialogue. 

Just one line, over and over again.

It's enough to drive anyone crazy...but what if you could actually silence them with just one trigger pull (instead of one very loud and noisy spray). Well, if your game is made in Japan (Hi there Androgynous Heroes!) you should be doing just that because a research team in Japan made a speech-supressing gun that fires your own words back at you making your brain do something akin to a face-plant.

Well, I sure don't see any troubling future implications of this!       Source

1) The Lightning Missile

(Quick Hat tip to www.cracked.com for educating me that these exist)

Farcry now, and you're waiting for the convoy to complete it's incredibly aribtrary route before it comes back and detonates the mine you've set in the road. It's a routine you've done at least a dozen times before in order to get all the upgrades from the local arms dealer.

If only there was a way to make it more exciting, something a bit jazzier then a normal explosion.

Something like this:

Hallelujah! Thor is Real! And he's Pissed!Source
That picture, which looks like Thor and Zeus both really hate that tower, is the aftermath of a Lightning Rocket a completely real thing which uses rockets with some form of conductive agent (wire, superconductive liquids etc) to cause a weatherfront to prematurely give up it's electric love.

Why? Well apparently because while some Scientists study rocks or global warming, other scientists look at a thundercloud and go 'You know what, Fuck that guy'.

Until next time, Let us say Skål! and drink together...

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